Video calls made simple

Why is a video call worth it before a first date?

A video call shows you whether someone looks like their photos and whether the conversation flows, before you spend an afternoon travelling to meet them. Do they listen? Do they laugh at the same things? It also saves you a wasted trip if the spark simply isn't there.

It is a safety check too. People running romance scams almost never appear on camera, because the photos they use belong to someone else. Anyone who keeps finding reasons not to video call is telling you something.

What you need

You need a device with a camera, an internet connection and a quiet, well-lit room. Most people already have all three.

• A device with a camera. A smartphone, tablet or laptop will do. A tablet propped on a table is the easiest for many people, because it is a good size and you don't have to hold it.
• An internet connection. Wi-Fi at home is best; video on mobile data uses quite a lot of your allowance.
• A quiet room with good light. More on this below.

Choosing a way to call

If you want to keep your phone number private, use a call link; once you trust someone, WhatsApp or FaceTime are easier for regular calls. A call link is a web address that opens a video call when you tap it.

With a call link, one of you creates it and sends it in a message, and the other only needs to tap it at the agreed time. When joining, you can type just your first name.

Making your first call, step by step

1. Agree a time by message, and which of you will send the link or ring.
2. Practise with someone you know. Call a friend or a grandchild the day before, so you know which button does what.
3. Ten minutes beforehand, charge your device, sit where you'll make the call, and close other apps.
4. When the call starts, check you can see and hear each other. If not, look for the microphone and camera symbols; a line through either means it is switched off. Tap it to turn it on.
5. Keep it short. Ten or twenty minutes is plenty for a first call. Ending while it's still going well leaves you both looking forward to meeting.

If something isn't working

Most problems on a video call come down to a switched-off microphone or camera, or a weak connection. Try these before giving up.

Looking and sounding your best

Face the light, raise the camera to eye level, and use headphones if you can. Those three changes make the biggest difference.

• Face the light. Sit facing a window or a lamp, not with it behind you, or you will appear as a silhouette.
• Raise the camera to eye level. Put the device on a pile of books, so the other person isn't looking up your nose.
• Use headphones if you can. They cut out echo and make voices clearer. Some hearing aids can connect directly to a phone or tablet; your audiologist can tell you whether yours can.
• Turn on captions if hearing is hard work. Google Meet and Zoom can both show live captions on screen.
• Check your background. A tidy shelf or a plain wall is ideal.

What to talk about

Talk as you would over the first ten minutes of a coffee. A few easy starting points (examples, not a script):

• "How has your week been? Did you get out to the garden?"
• "You mentioned the choir. What are you singing at the moment?"
• "If we do meet, is there somewhere near you that you like?"

End with a plan, or a kind goodbye. If you'd like to meet, suggest a time and place; if not, a short message afterwards is enough.

Keeping your privacy on camera

Glance at what is behind you before the call. Post with your address on, a window with your house number or street name, or family photos you'd rather not share can all be cropped out by moving the camera. Remember that anything shown on screen can be photographed by the other person.

Warning signs on a video call

Most first calls are simply pleasant. End the call and stop contact if any of these happen:

• the camera is "broken" every time, or the picture is always too dark or blurred to see a face
• they ask you to share your screen, open your banking app or install anything
• they ask for money, gift cards or help with a payment, however small
• they push to move to a different app straight after a short call
• they ask you to keep the relationship secret from family or friends

If someone rings you unexpectedly about money or your bank, hang up and dial 159, which Stop Scams UK runs to connect you to your own bank. To report a scam, ring Report Fraud on 0300 123 2040 in England, Wales and Northern Ireland, or Police Scotland on 101.

If it all feels too much

You don't have to be good with technology to do this. Many public libraries run help sessions for phones and tablets, and most families have someone who would be delighted to set it up with you. If you are new to dating online generally, our guide to online dating for the first time at 60-plus explains the rest, and our guide to dating with a health condition covers hearing and sight loss.

Once you have had a good call or two, the next step is a real meeting. Our guides to planning a first date and meeting a date safely take it from there, and the safety guide lists who to call if anything worries you.