Planning a first date after decades out of practice

If your last first date involved a phone box and a bus timetable, it is natural to feel rusty. The good news is that what makes a first date work hasn't changed: somewhere comfortable, enough time to talk, and nobody trying too hard.

What makes a good first date over 60?

A good first date is short, in daylight, quiet enough to talk and easy to leave. Everything else is detail.

• Short. An hour or two. You can always arrange a second.
• Daytime. Easier to get to, easier to get home from, and you see each other clearly.
• Quiet enough to talk. Background music and hard floors can turn a pleasant café into a shouting match, especially if either of you wears hearing aids.
• Something to look at. A garden, a painting or a view gives the conversation somewhere to go when it pauses.
• Easy to leave. A natural end point means nobody has to make an excuse.

First date ideas that work

The most reliable first dates combine a simple activity with a place to sit and talk. These are the ones that tend to go well.

Save the long country walk, the dinner date and anything involving a whole day for later. Our guide to meeting people across the UK lists dance halls, walks and groups that make good later outings.

Choosing somewhere that suits you both

The right venue is one where neither of you has to struggle: to hear, to sit, to find the loo or to get home. A few minutes of checking beforehand saves a lot of awkwardness.

• Seating: proper chairs with backs, not stools or low sofas.
• Noise: a quiet corner, away from the coffee machine and the door.
• Access: step-free entry, a lift if the café is upstairs, toilets on the same floor.
• Travel: near a bus stop or with easy parking, so neither of you is anxious about getting there.
• Light: somewhere bright enough to see each other's faces, which helps anyone who lip-reads a little.

If either of you has a health condition, a hearing aid or a dodgy knee, agree the venue with that in mind. Our guide to dating with a health condition has more on how to raise it.

Before the day

Have a short video call first, agree the plan in writing, and arrange your own way there and back. A video call takes the edge off the nerves and confirms the person looks like their photos.

1. Video call for ten or twenty minutes, a few days before.
2. Agree the details by message: where, when and roughly how long you each have.
3. Tell a friend where you are going, who you are meeting and when you'll ring them afterwards.
4. Plan your own transport both ways, so your address stays private and you can leave when you like.
5. Have the venue's name and postcode written down, in case your phone battery runs low.

Our guide to meeting a date safely sets out the precautions in full.

What to talk about

Ask about the things that light people up, listen to the answers, and ask a follow-up question. That is most of the art.

A few openers that tend to work (examples, not a script):

• "What's been the best part of your week?"
• "You mentioned you walk a lot. Where's your favourite stretch?"
• "Have you read or watched anything lately you'd recommend?"
• "Where would you go tomorrow if you could go anywhere in the country?"

Some topics are better saved for later dates, not because they are secret but because they deserve time:

• the detailed story of a divorce or a partner's death
• full medical histories
• money, property and wills
• what your children think

If you have been widowed, it is fine to mention your late husband or wife; most people over 60 have a past and expect you to as well. Our guide to dating after the death of a husband or wife has more on how people handle it.

Who pays?

There is no fixed rule any more. Offering to split the bill is the simplest approach, and it means neither of you feels you owe the other anything. If someone invited you somewhere special and wants to treat you, accept graciously and offer to get the next one.

One firm rule: nobody you meet through a dating site should ask you to pay for anything beyond your share of the coffee. Requests for help with travel, bills or an investment are the hallmark of a romance scam, a fake relationship built to get your money.

If you're nervous

Almost everyone is, including the person you're meeting. Arrive a few minutes early so you can settle in, have one or two questions ready in case of a lull, and remind yourself that the only aim is to find out whether you'd like a second cup of tea together.

It also helps to agree an end time in advance ("I've got until about three"). Knowing there is a natural finish takes the pressure off both of you.

If something feels wrong

You can leave at any point, without a reason. If someone is rude, pushy or makes you uneasy, say you need to go, pay for your own drink and leave.

If you feel unsafe, ask a member of staff for help or ring 999 in an emergency. If the person later asks for money, personal details or to move the conversation somewhere private in a hurry, stop contact and look at our safety guide, which lists who to call.

Ending it kindly

At the end, say what you mean. If you'd like to meet again, say so: "I've really enjoyed this. Could we do it again?" If you wouldn't, a kind, clear message afterwards is better than silence. For example (an example, not a template you have to use):

"Thank you for this afternoon, I enjoyed our chat. I don't think we're quite the right match, but I wish you every luck."

If you receive a message like that, take it as the courtesy it is. Most people meet several people before they meet someone they want to see again.