Living apart together: a relationship without moving in

By your seventies, your home is likely to be more than four walls. It holds your routines, your furniture, your garden, perhaps the house your children grew up in. Plenty of people meet someone they love and realise they don't want to give any of that up. Living apart together, sometimes shortened to LAT, is the name for doing both.

Why couples choose it

Most LAT couples choose it because they want the relationship and their own life, not one at the expense of the other.

• Independence. Your own bed, your own hours, your own way of loading the dishwasher.
• Family. Each of you stays close to your own children and grandchildren, and the family home stays in the family.
• Money. Finances stay separate and simple, and there is no question of who owns what.
• Experience. Some people have been married before and found sharing a home hard. Some cared for a late partner and want to keep a little space.
• Choice. Time together is something you both choose, rather than the default.

Some couples see each other every day; others at weekends. Some take holidays together and spend Christmas apart. There is no set pattern.

Who it suits, and who it may not

LAT suits people who value their own space and have homes, families and routines they want to keep. It can feel less comfortable if you would rather share everyday life, or if distance makes visiting hard.

What to talk about early

The arrangement works best when the unspoken assumptions are said out loud. Worth discussing in the first months:

• How often you'll see each other, and whether you'll stay over.
• Holidays, birthdays and Christmas. With whose family, and where?
• Shared costs. Who pays for meals out and holidays, and how you split them.
• Your families. When to introduce them, and how involved you expect each other to be.
• If one of you becomes ill. This is the big one. Would you expect to look after each other? Who would you want making decisions? It is easier to talk about while you are both well.

If you're not sure how to start, an opener like this can help (an example): "I love what we have, and I don't want to move. Can we talk about how often we'd like to see each other, and what we'd do if one of us got poorly?"

Money and benefits

Keeping your own homes usually keeps your finances, and any benefits, separate too, which suits many people.

• Means-tested benefits. If either of you receives Pension Credit or another means-tested benefit, moving in together normally means you are assessed as a couple, which can reduce or end it. Living in separate homes generally doesn't, but if your circumstances change, check before you move.
• Council tax. In England, Scotland and Wales, people who live alone can usually get a 25% single person discount on their council tax. Living apart keeps this in place for each of you; a home you share no longer qualifies.
• Rates in Northern Ireland. Northern Ireland has rates rather than council tax. The Lone Pensioner Allowance gives a 20% reduction to people aged 70 or over who live alone.
• Joint spending. Keep shared costs simple and fair. Avoid joint accounts or loans, at least until you have been together a long time.

The legal side

Not living together, and not marrying, means the law treats you largely as two separate people. That protects your independence, but it also means your partner has few rights unless you give them.

• Inheritance. In England and Wales, if you die without a will, an unmarried partner inherits nothing automatically. GOV.UK's inheritance checker shows how the rules work. Scotland and Northern Ireland have their own rules (nidirect explains Northern Ireland's); everywhere, the reliable way to provide for a partner is a will.
• Decisions about your health and money. Neither a partner nor "next of kin" has legal authority to make decisions for you if you lose capacity. A lasting power of attorney in England and Wales lets you choose who can. In Scotland, powers of attorney are registered with the Office of the Public Guardian (Scotland); Northern Ireland has its own system.
• Your wishes. Tell your family who your partner is and what they mean to you, so nobody is shut out at a hospital bedside or a funeral.

A solicitor can help with wills and powers of attorney, and the Age UK Advice Line on 0800 678 1602 can point you in the right direction. If you live in the US, Canada or Australia, the rules on wills and powers of attorney vary by state, province or territory, so ask a local lawyer.

Staying apart or moving in: what changes

Moving in changes more than the post. A quick comparison for unmarried couples in Great Britain:

When one of you needs care

The hardest moment for many LAT couples comes when one partner becomes ill. The other may want to help but have no say in decisions, or may feel obliged to become a full-time carer in a home that isn't theirs. Talking about it early, and making powers of attorney, makes these moments far easier. Our guides to dating while you are caring for someone and dating with a health condition cover both sides.

If you decide to move in after all

Some LAT couples eventually share a home. If you do, take advice first: about who owns the property and how, what happens to the other home, how it affects any benefits, and whether your wills need changing. Marriage brings a different set of rules again; our guide to remarrying later in life covers them.

Telling the family

Adult children often find LAT reassuring: their parent is happy, and the family home and finances stay as they were. Explain the arrangement plainly, introduce your partner in good time, and let them see it works. More advice for this stage of life is in the over-70s section, including dating in your eighties.